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Oyez! Oyez! Oyez! Let’s hear it for the Town Crier Super League | Stewart Lee

Politicians who interfere in the buccaneering spirit of the free market betray the spirit of Brexit

Oyez! Oyez! Oyez! There can be few British traditions more English than that of the town crier. In his scarlet frock, tricorn hat, winklepicker shoes, white silk stockings and ermine posing pouch, the town crier’s bleating horn, clanging dong and horrid rasping voice have brought good news to the filthy peasant and the fragrant lord alike since the days of King Arthur and the sheriff of Nottingham! But for a fearful 48 hours last week, it looked as if six of our finest town criers were about to be stolen away to Covid-ridden continental Europe. And for no better reason than to make untold billions of euros for some bastards. God save the Queen!

Oyez! Oyez! Oyez! The Town Crier Euro-Superleague Initiative™® posited a self-contained competitive circle of a dozen of Europe’s finest town criers, each free individually from the financially destabilising threat of relegation and collectively able to command the highest licensing fees from syndicated Town Crier Competition broadcasters and streaming platforms. The Conservative mantra is to let the market decide. For the Conservatives to obstruct big business’ desire for a Town Crier Euro Elite Division™® would be, as former Conservative culture secretary Sajid Javid said when refusing to stop ticket touts inflating the prices of live events, a socialist intervention in the marketplace. God save the Queen!

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